Here are some pictures of my first dog Dakota. 


Edit: Fixed the Links

If you could rename yourself in real life, what would you choose, and why?

I've often wondered this, I like my name but if I could I would rename myself Ena Parker. I love the name Ena, I found it while flipping through a baby book and it just kind of stuck with me. Parker is such a nice name. If I was ten years younger I would of said, Crystal Rose Rainbow Serenity Moon. Because those were all such awesome names, especially when you put them all together. I wonder why children do this. Why do they think the more the better, and how come more isn't better?

I got some pictures of Hubert (I think it’s Hubert). Any way they're not that varied, he pretty much froze but afterwards he went right back to chewing on those bars.


( Hubert! )

Wow, I am already going down hill. My grammars starting to suck, I'm forgetting commas, mixing up tenses, this is not looking good for me.

I've been busy dropping by different blogs, saying hello. Basicly I'm putting off writing till the last minute... this is not unusual for me, in fact this is how most my projects end up, with me waiting till the very last minutes. Of course it starts off good but then ends in a spectacular mess of shoddy work and horrible spelling.

So you might be wondering why I’m so tired if in fact it is 1 in the afternoon where I am. Good question, simple answer I’m a night person. Ever since I was young my days were my nights and nights were my days. School was hard because I could never get enough sleep, even when in bed early I would stay awake till the early morning.

Around 7th grade is when I began having panic attacks, I refused to go to school. I simply refused to go, I felt like I was dieing, that something bad was going to happen if I went. The school tried to accommodate me and have it so I went to school in the morning but would leave in the afternoon. Talking to people was hard because I didn’t understand any of this. Why did I feel this way? Why couldn’t things go back to the way they had been?

One day after I had gone to the office ‘sick’. They called my Mom even thou I had no fever, she came and got me. Sitting in the car I thought she was angry with me but looking back I realize she was frustrated.

‘What would you say if I told you, you didn’t have to go back?’ I don’t remember saying anything, if anything I was dumbstruck. Was I finally getting out of this hell?

We went to McDonalds. I was giddy, I was so excited, I was willing to do anything not go back, not to feel that grip of death around me. Homeschool was the answer to everything.

Prompt from creativity-portal.com. A great place if you have writers block.

Hello Kerry,

Now I know you're not a bad man but really was it that hard to pick up a phone and call? A card for my birthday is nice with a little bit of cash but why sign love dad? I haven't seen you and years and haven't spoken with you in more.

I'm like you. I don't understand kids and it's hard for me to understand people who do understand kids. But I try thou. I really try when it comes to kids. I speak with them, it's hard to say silly things that kids like to say but I do it. I babysit, I help out with the neighbor's kids.

Do I feel upset that I didn't have a father. No, I didn't evenn notice that I didn't have one. I had my Grandpa and Uncles, so I was good on the male role models. But I have to wonder when you date do you ever say 'Hey I have a nineteen year old daughter.' I don't think you do, you just mark my birthday in you're day planner and don't think about me until it comes around. Then you send off a card.

I'm not hurt, no, I'm merely confused. How do you act like I don't exist?

~B

My Mom just called me... from the living room... in the same house. Does anybody else do that? Do you call people's celphones even thou you're in the same house? I am down in the basement but really is it necissary to call? Couldn't you I donnu come down and talk to me? The ending is what gets me, we always say by, it's even stranger when she's calling me to come upstairs. 

I'm having a hard time writing topics. I'm not entertaining when I'm tired.

Why is clarity so hard to come by? Why can't I make sense? I spend most my days trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life but find myself running in circles. Do I want to be a writer? Do I want to be an artist? Do I want to work with animals? What about that bookstore you wanted? Then comes the problem of getting the skills to actually be able to acomplish these goals. But no that's never easy that just leads to more circles and more questions that I can't answer. Start doing things. Well, I try but then there's always something else I want to do. Like what I don't know. 

I'm in a state of perpetual confusion. Finding it hard to think straight. What do I want to do, is an easy enough question it's the motivation that I lack. Procrastination, maybe next time not today another time.

I don't know if this counts but this is a snippet from my private journal. I just find it amusing and better written then most my stuff I've done today.

Written August 15th, 2006

I’ve done something horrible, really bad. I squished my roommate. That cricket that was in my wall, I squished him! Yay! No more of that annoying chirping while I’m sleeping, it wouldn’t of been so bad if he did it when normal crickets chirp at night. But while I’m sleeping it sucked. Like all the other bugs, he migrated towards the ferrets litter box. Hiding in the newspaper, when I moved it he ran right off under the blue litter box. I was not letting him get away. I pulled that litter box as fast as I could, it was war and I’d be damned if he was going to win. I took off my shoe hoping he didn’t run into the one pile of shit that was sitting right there, because then I couldn’t squish him. But he didn’t, the battle ended as soon as it had begun. He didn’t even try to run under the ferrets’ cage that was what I was expecting, I thought this would be like all my other frustrating battles, which always begin hopeful and end with me crying. Can we say Galadriel? That one was probably my worst war, it took cunning and strategy and I still I almost lost. That damn fridge. What made her think that was a good place to sleep?

Here's something to do if you're out of topics flip through the dictionary and randomly pick a word. Then you just free write about that word.

I've spent the past few days downloading the X-play podcast. So far I've downloaded aroand 50 or so... There's so many! I love this show, actual gamers and not eye candy like some other shows on G4. I haven't seen the show in a few months... we lost the remote, it'd be a pain in the ass to stand by the TV and keep pressing up till I got around 200. 

The good, that came of not watching X-play, I got to catch up on some games before I went out and got more. Okami, Final Fantasy X-2,  Dark Cloud were some I finished. Dark Cloud my first game for the PS2, I have to say that games have gotten so much better. I have a thing with games where I have to finish them before I can start another. This leaves newer games piling up because I refuse to touch them till I finished one game. Because I paid fifty dollars for a game and I will enjoy it, dammit! 

I have to go scavenge for food. There's no food in the house. That's a lie, there's tons of food. I just don't like most of it. :P

Could you ever be a religious leader?
P.232 in
4,000 Questions for getting to know anyone and everyone by Barbara Ann Kiper

I have sometimes thought about this not in the sense of being a priest or reverend but in the cultish way. More like L. Ron Hubbard or Johnstown (?sp). Create a crazy ass theory on something and then prey on the weak. Seems simple enough. I like to acknowledge my cruel vindictive side once in a while. While I don’t think I’d go as far as to have them all commit suicide, I’d more like to see how far my followers would go to please me and this god I’ve create. It’s strange how far people will go for a god that may or may not exist.

Back to me as a religious leader. What would I where? A robe seems to easy, I want something more then a potato bag maybe my followers could wear a potato bags. My cult of potatoes. The Potato cult. I would dress fancy, as I am god’s messenger and they are only underlings they are to strive for my position. What would I lead my potato cult to do? Well obviously now something with potatoes. I’m now picturing tons of Mr. Potato heads on the side of a long dirt road, leading to a small cottage and my potato people are sitting out in the fields praying. This is where they will live and be nourished. And I will send them to convert my neighbors. And my neighbors will laugh half heartedly not sure if it is a joke or not, and then become disturbed when they realize it is not.

What else, I don’t seem to be taking full advantage of them. I want them to rob a bank. In Mr. Potato head costumes. I want people to wonder why any one would join this cult in the first place, and other people to wonder if we are joking. Then I want to from my nice cottage home as my people lay out in the dirt at night being nourished, to look up different news sites, and journals. And interact with these people who aren’t sure what to think of my potato cult. Oh what fun to troll these people. We have to be joking right. I want the teller at the bank to laugh when we first enter. Till she realizes we have guns. Oh hell let’s go all the way I don’t want to kill any one but let’s take a few hostages.

Now from a remote location I am leading my potato cult, the hostages will be kept safe and be forced to sit in the dirt, in holes dug so they can be nourished. The hostages when found will be laughing at my stupid potato cult, and how incompetent they seem to be. Yes my potato cult is stupid; most these people need understanding and not a cult. When they are found, I will be off, no chance they will find me. And it will go down in history as the strangest thing any one has ever seen. This small town will dedicate a day to this strange cult and through history the origins will be distorts, till we become the new world religion of the future, after all I’ll have written a few books. Under the assumed alias of being in the cult as a member and not a leader, no one will ever know that I was one of the greatest leaders of all time.

Now on the other hand if I keep the cult, and keep adding members I will have thousands of followers. I will then take over the world… or perhaps a small island. Yeah an island will do. We will grow large far and wide. Me, my potato cult and thousands of Mr. Potato heads.

Heritage

I know next to nothing about my family’s heritage or should I say ancestry. Grandpa likes working on the family tree. I think that’s great and I like looking at it but it’s rather boring, it doesn’t tell any stories, it just says date of birth, death place, marriage, kids, there are no stories. I like stories. That’s why I want to write stories on my life but then now I won’t have any one to pass it on too. I figure then I’ll just be the best Aunt to Eric’s kids and pass on my things to them provided they’re good kids. No little shit is getting my fortune seeing as I’m going to be the crazy cat lady yelling at some non existent kids to get off my lawn which will be really just a dirt patch seeing as I’ll refuse to water it by then. Heritage is property that descends to an heir; LEGACY; birthright. Do we have heritage I wonder? There really are no traditions. Except that I get my Mom a watch every Christmas. I have now stopped getting her watches she can wear and started getting her fun kooky stuff seeing as she has plenty of watches she can wear in public. And you can get someone only so many black strap watches before you pick the pink swirl watch.

Right now I'm trying to finish Final Fantasy XII but it's not going so well since I've decided I need to get some of the ultimate weapons... Now I spend most my time fishing hoping to catch these bottles so that I can move on to the next fishing spot. This is taking forever. 

I'm also play the Sims 2 pretty regularly. I spend most my time making houses. Check out my Sim page if you'd like some lovely lots. http://thesims2.ea.com/mysimpage/pod.php?user_id=2014807

I always need socks, because I never like pairing them up I’m never sure if they’re paired right. Mom always gets me socks for Christmas. Risky (ferret) loved taking socks. She’d even try and take them off your feet! She would drag them under the cupboards or dresser and makes a nest with them. Fred has started this habit too but she doesn’t try and take them off your feet. But she also doesn’t make a nest with them she just hides them. Grandma used to make me these socks with bright translucent beads that were triangle with round ends so you could stack them when you were bored, I miss having those socks. I liked the way they sound and thought it was cool because no one else had socks like them. I would often when I was younger pull all the socks out of my drawer and reorganize them. And while I was organizing them I’d play like they were dolls. Each pair of socks was a person and I had them marry each other depending on which ones I deemed female and male. I couldn’t do that now as all my socks are mostly white, and I can’t tell them apart enough to put them together.

Took a quick twenty minute nap with my kitty cat Buddy. It so nice that he'll sleep with me now, I suppose it's cause I'm an adult and don't dress him as a baby anymore... although that's still a lot of fun to do, he looks so cute in baby dresses. 



He's such an easy going cat too.

Only 12 more hours to go. 

How many of you have done NaNoWriMo? I've been wanting to do it for a few years but I would always forget about it till about the middle of November. Hopefully this year I'll be able to join... If I don't forget, of course. : )

I love animals very much, a lot more than most people. I hate hearing stories about people abusing animals. And I regret that in the past I was a bad pet owner. When I was young I was not taught that animals are not human there for they do not like human things. From a very early age I was putting toys in the guinea pig cage and trying to play with them like I would a friend. One of my most horrible mistakes as a preschooler was thinking a guinea pig would like to bounce on the trampoline, that did not go over so well. While I was aware that I could hurt her if I stepped on her, I was not aware they could have heart attacks. Poor thing must of had a horrible last minute of life. 

While that was bad I don't think it was bad as ignorance I had with my guinea pigs when I was older. Not only did they live in an aquarium, they also had pine chips for bedding, this caused them respiratory problems but at the time I didn't know. I also was lazy cleaning their aquarium leading to them having fecal matter caked on their feet. I can't even begin to image how horrible it was for them. Years later, after their passing, I found a book on guinea pigs. And I realized I did everything wrong that could be wrong for them. 

Now in life I know enough to do research on an animal before I get it, like I did with the ferrets. I read ferrets for Dummies Cover to cover and took notes. While ferrets are not guinea pigs, I will never let them live like those two guinea pigs did. 

One day I hope to prove I can take care of guinea pigs, when I do I'll make sure I do everything right and care for them the way they're meant to be cared for. And I hope Emma, Rose, Pumpkin Seed and Swirl can forgive me. I miss having guinea pigs squeal when I bring treats, it was a nice sound knowing they were happy for a little bit.

I wanted to post a bunch of pictures of my ferrets but I'm to lazy to upload the pictures. Maybe next post. 

Are unexpected gifts better than expected ones? Should we do away with one or the other?

I love an unexpected gift, I love an unexpected gift that is expected. But I hate unexpective gifts that are expected but are really just wishful thing. I don't know how many days I think my Mom will bring home a new ferrets. Will she? Probably not, but it would be a nice surprize. 

I would do away with expected gifts if I had to because unexpected gifts are so much better.

This is from my private journal because I forgot to write something, oops.

August 3, 2006 Thursday

I love books. I love buying them and then not reading them. But then I worry I will never read them. I don’t really have a favorite genre. I’m still like reading my child hood books such as Boxcar Children, Ramona and that Vampire Series for teenage girls. I haven’t read to many what I consider adult books. I thought I was well read but looking at my shelf I’ve only started getting books. Although only in the past year have I been making a little money. When I was at school, I got most books I read from the school library, although I stopped getting them at the library by the last few years because they changed the system and you had to know your number and I forgot mine and I was scared to go ask what it was, because sometimes the librarian wasn’t nice. So by then I started reading the runaway series by V.C.Andrews and The Gate to Women’s Country.

I went threw so many books, accelerated reader proved it, around 200 hundred points that’s a lot considering I probably read mostly between four and seven point books. I remember this one series with a boy in one book he ate dog food, and there was this dog who got lost and they gave it a bath in lavender.

But now my taste run towards the self-help telling me it’s okay I can learn. I have books on writing, so many books on writing, in fact that’s where I got the topic to write about books from. Then of course there are my many How to Draw Manga books which I have not used in a while. I’ve been too depressed to draw. Motivational books. Manga, I have close to 300 manga books, they range from romance to horror. My current favorites are Monster, Deathnote, NANA, Angel Sanctuary, Petshop of Horrors. Oh and I finally got the last Sailor Moon book. I have the complete collection. Dragon Head is another really good one, I can’t wait for the next one in the series comes out, I’m really excited to know what happens in it, I have up to the third one, ending with a possible mud slide in a world that might be the apocalypse. I want to know if it was the apocalypse. I started Dragon Ball, I haven’t seen DBZ in a while so I thought I’d read the manga. I saw that the DBZ manga started in the middle of something so I decided just to start with the first in the series Dragon Ball.

XXXholic, I’m kind of hoping Watanuki and Domeki get together, there so cute together. Oh and in NANA, I hope both the Nanas get together too. I find I am a shipper. I like finding partners for the characters, especially if there canon, there the pairings I can’t see breaking up.

I also enjoy essay books. I really like David Sedaris books those are the books I can really remember who the author is. I usually never remember the author. I also seem to enjoy what I think are economic psychology books. Blink, the Tipping Point, Freakonomics, I really like those books except the last one I find is too short but it was like 20% off so 30% off all together. I have quite a number of FBI, CIA, Police and armed forces books, I actually got them for research and now I read them for fun, although I haven’t read many books lately just for entertainment. I really should I think it makes me depressed that I don’t read just for entertainment, I’m trying to have books teach me when some of these books aren’t for teaching.

Five minutes on Windows

Windows are nice. I always loved looking out my window in my old room. I could see who was here at any time, which is nice, when I don’t want to visit with any one. I especially liked the view at night with the light post, its where a lot of my dreams ended at that light post in the night. I always wanted to paint it but now since they put the privacy fence up it’s different or it could be the fact I don’t look out that window much any more. I can’t really think of any memories involving windows, me and Eric broke one as you know. I got a scar from one. I was climbing through the window from the porch to the dining room one time, I had done it many times before, and some how this nail that was bent so it could keep that big glass panel on during the winter, caught my arm and took a big chunk out of my flesh. I’m must have been going through the window to fast or lost my balance, I don’t remember or my shirt got caught. Now the scar has faded no one would notice it now. I’m kind of disappointed in that. I kind of like my smaller scars.

Beds I have slept in.

There really are many different kinds of beds in the world and so many different types of sheets and comforters. My current bed is actually a pretty good size. With a royal purple bedding. With industrial stripes of darker and lighter purples for the pillow covers and top of the comforter. The back of the comforter is two dark purples in a circle and flower like pattern. The sheet is striped with erratic stripes in those stripes. I always sleep on this fuzzy blanket I got from Pier 1, I always curl up in it although lately it’s been too hot so I don’t right now. I also have two fuzzy pillows like the blanket.

My old comforter was purple and white, mostly a stripe like pattern with a purple back. The ferrets have now inherited the blanket. The oldest comforter I remember is a white one with big roses on it.

I had my own bedroom once at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, but it is now Eric’s. Although they always say it’s for any one who wants to use it. I know they say that to not alienate me but I have to think it is Eric’s room, that’s his room no one else’s. So later I began to sleep in the big living room. On the pull out couch. Unfortunately it was flat and uncomfortable with the metal bar going across the middle. I’m glad I’m old enough to not have to go to their house any more to stay. I was so pissed the last time. I believe I had a fight with Mom.

I’ve slept at the cabin in both the beds and the couch. Some days in the twin bedroom room, the beds would be apart and other they’d be together. I generally slept on the top. I would climb up using the footboard. There was no ladder. Eric and me loved to play in the twin bedroom. I broke a window once or Eric did by throwing tinker toy when we were fighting with the tinker weapons. Right a way I had a us go out and tell Grandpa just as he was coming up the stairs on the deck.

I slept in the bigger bed when I was upset and wanted to go home. I would often get home sick and Grandpa would come out and sit with me for a while, he did this too at his house when I’d get home sick. We’d go sit in his big EZ Boy chair and watch TV. I slept on the couch at the cabin once, when Amy my Mom’s friend, came up. She began snoring at night and I couldn’t sleep so I did something I had never done because I hated doing it, I went out and slept on the couch. It was flat and uncomfortable, not to mention it smelt funny, seeing how old it was, with the ugly 70’s yellow colors and flowers. I felt bad because I didn’t want to insult Amy. I stayed up hoping Mom would notice I left the room.

Sleeping in public is something I hate. I hate knowing any one can see me when I’m not awake. I hated sleeping in the living room at Grandma and Grandpas for that reason. I was scared someone would come in see that I’m awake and leave the door open. Which happened sometimes. And then Eric would come in. I just wanted a few minutes of alone time, which I don’t get there because there is no room that I can shut myself in. So I’d fake sleep for a while longer. Which brings me to another thing I hate, being the last one up or having someone up before me. I loathe that. At Grandma and Grandpa’s it always happened. It always leaves me feeling out of sync.

Another bed was the first and only time I slept over at Izzy’s. I absolutely hated it. I cried most the night. Wondering if I could just sneak home and go to bed. I remember Jennifer coming by I wonder if she noticed I was crying, if she did she didn’t say anything.

I slept on the couch at home a lot. Usually during the summer, when it was hot and the only rooms that had AC were Mom’s room and the Living Room. My bedroom became the living room for quite a few months. I even had an air mattress for a while which Joey also slept on. I slept on Eric’s little mattress up in Mom’s room sometimes. I slept in Mom’s bed a lot too. Generally during, you guess it, the summer.

Other beds, hotel beds, no actually I had a couch… I slept on a freaken’ fold out couch for my vacation, awesome. I also hated it too as I was out in the open, with a window inside the building with only a shear curtain. I also slept at Allen and Sheryl’s house, in their guest bedroom. It sucked because everybody was upstairs and I was by myself… At least I was by myself, and not sleeping out in the open.